Let's Talk About Porn

Assalamualaikum and greetings dear Bits and Pieces readers,

Of recent, my Facebook news feed was flooded with a rape case that had happened in Indonesia. I'm sorry that I couldn't find a link that's in proper English. One website (not in English) related this with a case that had happened around three decades ago; the rape, torture, and murder of Junko Furuta. I read this case haphazardly because her experience was too disturbing. Another story was shared by my friend. She shared the Facebook status of a sexual harassment victim. Harassed in multiple occasions, the victim was later diagnosed with depression and had even tried to take her own life aplenty of times.

Photo credit: Alexas_Fotos

I was deeply affected reading these stories, still am. Especially the rape cases. The pain, the helplessness, and the constant dread and fear inside...they must had felt these all at once. It must be excruciating. They must have prayed for death countless times. The public at large often question how can these men be so repugnant. But not me. Because I know the answer to that; the answer is porn.

Firstly, I'm sure there are other reasons behind these heinous crime. But porn has become a norm that men starts to think it's okay to watch because that's their natural inclination. I don't think many men realise the grave consequences of porn. More on this later. Secondly, nope. This post does not contain the cliche of "watching porn is a sin". It goes waaaaay beyond that.

A few months back, I found Fight the New Drug and learned a LOT from the website. I found out that porn is actually a dangerous addiction like heroin, alcohols, or cigarettes. It makes you feel happy only when you get the chance to watch one. Meaning that making love to your wife, playing basketball with your children, and that cooking hobby of yours won't make you as happy anymore. It's like you need your imagination rather than your already blissful reality. That is just so sad and pathetic.

But there's more. Tonnes and significantly more. Porn disables you from loving for you will not know how to love. Most of the porn contains act of violence which makes those who watch identify violence with pleasure. Porn shows the woman smiling after being subjected to physical and verbal torture making viewers feel that it is okay for them to do the same in real life. And this is precisely why the rape cases that I mentioned earlier (including others) happened.

And you know what? Most of the women that are involve in pornography are drugged, raped, trafficked, and/or abused. In other words, they are forced to smile, forced to enjoy, and forced to participate. Knowing this, would you still demand pornography? If yes, then allow me to say this statement: you are to blame too.

To make matters worse, porn is easily accessible now, even for kids. It is terrifying how warped their ideas on woman and love are going to be. It is disturbing into what kind of men, sons, fathers, brothers, uncles, grandfathers, friends, and boyfriends that they might turn into.  

I'll end this post with this video. And the essence of it is: men are qawwam (caretakers) of women.

    

Beautiful Lessons from Beautiful People

Assalamualaikum and greetings dear Bits and Pieces readers,

These past few months had been exceptionally challenging for me. Everything seems to be going downhill and my patience and acceptance of God's will have been tested greatly.

 
A hadith (traditions of Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him) that offers much motivation crossed my mind but it was difficult for me to digest its wisdom. This is the hadith:
 

Abu Hurairah narrated that the Messenger of Allah said:

“Look at those who are lower than you (financially) but do not look at those who are higher than you, lest you belittle the favors Allah conferred upon you.” Agreed upon. Source

So ALLAH had helped me grasp this wisdom, and more, through one beautiful and strong woman.

Picture courtesy of pixabay hence not the woman I'm writing about

It was the kind of day where interaction with humans were stressful for me but my phone still made noise. I ignored it. But the same noise came from it; again and again. Reluctantly, I checked my phone and saw several messages from a close friend of mine. She needed to borrow some money so that she and her kids can eat. They hadn't paid their car loans and rents for months as her husband's business is suffering. She was also embroiled in other conflicts that I pray I won't ever have to go through in my existence.

I can't help but feel like a weak idiot; here I am feeling sorry for myself when others, closed others, are facing much bigger and more real problems.

But here comes the dilemma; I am saving for a rainy day. In case I can't finish my PhD studies on time, I can use my own money because my scholarship only cover three years. However, this hadith had resolved my dilemma:

Abu Hurairah narrated that the Messenger of Allah said:
"Whoever relieves a Muslim of a burden from the burdens of the world, Allah will relieve him of a burden from the burdens on the Day of Judgement. And whoever helps ease a difficulty in the world, Allah will grant him ease from a difficulty in the world and in the Hereafter. And whoever covers (the faults of) a Muslim, Allah will cover (his faults) for him in the world and the Hereafter. And Allah is engaged in helping the worshiper as long as the worshiper is engaged in helping his brother." Source

In other words, if I want to be helped, I need to help others. Who knows, this might just be the sacrifice that I need to do in order for me to finish my PhD on time; or obtain more financially. Hence in the name of ALLAH, and my love for her, I gave her extra than what she initially asked to borrow.

It is my sincere hope that we can help ourselves by being grateful, and simultaneously help others in need. If this woman and the above hadiths do not motivate you enough, then perhaps this quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson might just be right for you:

“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.” 

How to Reduce Conflict in Relationship

Assalamualaikum and greetings dear Bits and Pieces readers,

No matter how loving and caring a relationship is, conflict is omnipresent. Friction occur between husband and wife, friends fight, and children refuse to be in contact with parents. Of course, there are also many other relationship examples.

However, don't give up on relationships just because of conflicts. Albeit there are circumstances that can't be fixed, there is always the possibility to minimize if not resolve them.


1. Be patient
The first thing that we feel before a conflict starts is dissatisfaction which is closely followed by anger. Instead of letting these feelings escape from our mouth or God forbid through violence, try and control ourselves. Take a deep breath; do whatever you can do to calm yourself. As Muslims, we should say "a'uzu billahi minash shaitonir rojim" (I seek refuge in ALLAH from satan) because anger can lead us to doing evil deeds. It is also helpful to remember this, whether you be Muslims or not:

"The strong man is not one who is good at wrestling, but the strong man is one who controls himself in a fit of rage." (Prophet Muhammad)

2. Be understanding
Try and imagine being in the other person's shoes. Our husband might be stressful from his underpaid job, our friend might be having a family problem that they don't want us to worry about, and our parents were just trying to advice us for the better. This act of empathy can definitely reduce the anger and dissatisfaction that we feel inside.

3. Be thankful
Recall how our husband would soothe us whenever we're in pain, remember how our friend helped us whenever we are in trouble, and remind ourselves the sacrifices made by our parents. This act of reminiscing should be able to subside the remaining anger inside us. A Malay proverb comes to mind:

"Hancur badan dikandung tanah, budi baik terkenang juga" which in simple English means good deeds are remembered forever even though the person who committed that act of good deeds had passed away.

4. Take a timeout
Should number 1, 2, and 3 didn't work, pull yourself away from that person. Give ourselves time by taking a walk alone or jog or whatever it is that can calm us. Bear in mind that giving ourselves time is never the same as running away from problems. So when I say "whatever it is that can calm us", I don't mean drugs, alcohol, violence, and the likes.

By giving ourselves time, we are escaping from negative energy so that positive energy can come in. This allows us to become patient as well as to try and understand where the other person is coming from.

5. Communicate effectively
Unfortunately, being patient, understanding, and thankful cannot solve conflicts. Same goes to pulling away from conflicts. Although there are special cases of conflicts that is better for us to settle with the strategies mentioned, most conflicts should be discussed with the person we are in conflict with.

This discussion however doesn't necessarily need to be done right after the conflict. Create the right mood to talk. Choose an appropriate time where both have cooled down and can think rationally. I firmly believe that relationships can flourish when both sides are able to communicate the right way.    

6. Be forgiving
It is an undeniable fact that some conflicts come to fruition because of past misunderstandings. Even though we had already discussed it with our significant other before, we still can't let go, we still can't seem to forgive. I admit, to forgive someone is hard; but the reality is, not forgiving only interferes with our happiness.
Let's view forgiving as an important decision. If we forgive, we get to be happy; if we do not forgive, we will suffer.


Whoever and wherever you are at, I sincerely hope that you will be able to minimize conflicts. I pray that we all can have healthy relationships :)