You fell in love with the love of your life.
Both of you decide to get married.
Both of you agree to a simple Islamic wedding concept.
The guy comes to your house and request your hand from your parents.
Parents: Alhamdulillah (thank God). We agree.
You and lover: (Smiling so big that the edges of your lips are touching your ears)
Parents: Now let's discuss the terms.
The lover: Well we decided to...
Parents: We shall invite 1000 people!
You: But...
Parents: We shall have ten different types of food for our guests!
You: But...
Parents: We must have a dais (pelamin) like the kings and queens!
You: But...
Parents: You shall wear thick but natural looking makeup so we are going to hire a makeup artist for you!
On top of that, we will rent the most exclusive wedding gown. Or probably buy one?
You: But...
Your mother: You must wear my hand jewellery, ankle jewellery, and we must get you a crown!
You: But...
Parents: So the dowry will be (out come the calculator)... RM50,000? Oh but we understand (speaking to the guy), you just started your job. Let's make it RM10,000. This will be our last responsibility to
our daughter so we don't really mind. Come to think of it, why should we complicate matters? Just
follow our terms and people won't call us cheapskates.
You and your lover: (Both in total shock. And although both mouths are wide open, saying anything might
be taken as insolence)
This leaves you love birds with four choices:
1) Postpone the wedding to save for dowry and the chances of getting near to zina (sex out of marriage) is
high.
2) Don't postpone the wedding but go to the bank or a loan shark for fast loan approval. Chances of zina is
low but you will be indebted for not only the principal, but the interest (or profit when you borrow
from Islamic Banks) too.
3) Discuss with your parents and the chances of going near to zina is low plus you won't be indebted.
4) Say goodbye and don't get married. Chances of getting near to zina is also low and you won't be
indebted.
But both of you just can't! You love each other deeply! So no.4 is out of the question. These leaves 3 options. Options 1 and 2 are risky while option 3 requires a delicate approach.
Let's say you opt for option 3 because you are the smart one. But then you start to have doubts, "will I be able to convince my parents"?
Well before you start considering the other options again, come and read these tips first.
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| A Malay wedding. Mine, actually :-) |
1) Target the rational parent and spell out the problem
From my observation, the rational parent is always the father. Tell how you feel in a polite way to him. Tell him why you want to have a simple affordable Islamic wedding. For example you want to have money for renting a house, to save for your future children, and other marriage expenses that have far more important uses than a wedding reception. Respectfully point out to him that a simple wedding follows the traditions of the Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him (pbuh), and that wastefulness and being affected too much by people's perception is not part of Islam. Then ask your father's help to use his charm as a lover to cajole your mother. Don't worry too much. They have been living together for decades so your father should know how to approach your mother very well.
Your role doesn't stop here though. You can also contribute to that effort.
2) Watch or go to Islamic talks about marriage together with your parents
In preparing yourself to become a wife and a mother, I suggest you listen to talks by Islamic speakers. There are tonnes of those on Youtube and even held at your area, sometimes. What you can do is casually invite your parents to watch the video or attend the talk together. Make it like a family time. Pay the fees (if the talk is a paid one) to give them a slight push. Besides, hearing from a Muslim scholar that true Islamic weddings are simple has a more powerful effect than you telling them yourself. Plus, the parents won't feel that you are looking down on their iman or that you are being self righteous.
3) Be a casual sly fox
Fox is a symbol of cunningness and intelligence. So you must be one too. Assess your surroundings and see whether you can plant the idea of a simple wedding in your parents mind. A bonus is when you can make it look like it's their idea. Examples of situations (surroundings) include when your relatives are coming over, your family are going out to dinner, or when you spend time watching TV dramas with your parents. You can think of other suitable situations too.
One practical example is when you, your mother, and your aunts are admiring a simple wedding card invitation from a neighbour. So you can probably say, "The card looks simple. They must have planned to cut down their expenses to save money for their future children. Good thinking!"
4) Make doa (prayers to God)
Last but not least, make doa to ALLAH so that HE can inspire in them the idea of a simple wedding. Ask ALLAH to make them stronger so that they can ignore people's perception. Beg ALLAH to make your parents firm in following the Quran and the Sunnah. Be confident that ALLAH listens to your every doa.
But remember, you can't always get what you want.
Maybe your parents agree to cut down the guests to 500 people but they are adamant to invite many of their friends. So you have no choice but to leave some of your friends out.
Your parents might insist that you buy a wedding gown. Hence you might want to buy one that is affordable and suitable to be used even after your wedding function.
Your mother might want you to wear her jewelries when you don't want to wear any. And there's nothing wrong in choosing one that is less conspicuous.
And many others.
I am sure your future spouse won't mine with the give and take.
Well I hope this post can help you decide. And I hope this has been beneficial. See you in the next post, God willing!
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